Hard times don't last (but the lessons do)

If you saw today's carousel, you know the topic: The mental challenges behind the chair that taught me more than I could ask for… but only because I chose to see the HARD truth.

Bad reviews. Impossible clients. Gender-based rejection. Picky clients I wanted to scream at. Absorbing everyone's energy until I couldn't breathe.

Every single one of those experiences built something in me that stays with you as move through your journey.

Let me tell you about a few memories that stuck with me. Isn't it weird how we remember the bad moments more vividly than the good ones?

THE BAD YELP REVIEW

Early in my career, I gave someone a taper when they wanted a fade.

They left a review saying I didn't give them what they asked for. And when they came back the next day to fix it? I was the one who had to do it.

I felt SO weird. So bad. So awkward.

I kept thinking: Why didn't he say something when he was in the chair? I showed him the mirror at least twice. He didn't want to speak up.

Looking back, I could've handled it better. I could've apologized. Had a real conversation when he came back. But I was new, and all I knew to do was ask what he wanted and give him the haircut in silence.

The lesson?

When you're new, it's uncomfortable to ask a million questions. You don't want to seem like you don't know what you're doing.

But that discomfort is exactly where you need to live.

Double-check. Ask more questions. Confirm the details.

It's awkward at first. But it's how you avoid giving tapers when people want fades or anything else that they ask for.

THE WIFE WHO FLIPPED OUT MID-HAIRCUT

This one still makes me shake my head.

I'm mid-cut on a guy who has excess skin—what we call "hot dogs"—right above his ear. He wanted a low fade, maybe a 0.5 or 1 guard.

Here's the thing: If you're a barber, you know what I'm talking about. The skin in that area protrudes out from the natural shape of the head. So when you fade over it, the hair sitting on those rolls is going to stick out slightly when you look at it from the front.

That's just... physics.

His wife walks up, looks at the side of his head, and starts going OFF on me. Telling me it's wrong. That it's sticking out. That I messed it up.

I'm standing there like: Are you not seeing what I'm seeing right now?

The only way to "fix" it would've been if he had longer hair to cover the whole section. But he already had short hair showing scalp. There was literally nothing I could do.

But nothing I said would make her happy.

So I apologized. Tried to finish the cut. Kept thinking 100 different ways about what was so off.

The hardest lesson? Completely taking yourself out of it.

Sometimes people are just in a bad mood and take it out on you. Or they've decided in their minds what they choose to see and that's what they're sticking to.

But SOMETIMES... it's not about your work. It's not about you at all.

Learning to diffuse the situation instead of reacting? That's the reps that shop life teaches you. The more you're in it, the more you experience—and hopefully the better you become as a service provider.

People skills are what I believe to be the best tool you could gain in life. They assist you in knowing what to ask for and what you want in your personal life and, most importantly, in your work.

"I'D RATHER HAVE A GUY CUT MY HAIR"

I was about 2-3 years into barbering when this happened.

A guy walked in, looked around, and said he'd rather have a guy cut his hair.

The only guy available was a junior barber still in training—who honestly wasn't very good yet. But because he was a guy, this client was more willing to sit in his chair.

All the barbers in the shop knew how that was going to turn out.

I wanted to cry.

You're putting so much heart into learning this craft, trying to get good, and then someone dismisses you based on gender alone. It's like: What the fuck.

And I didn't feel supported by my coworkers either. It all happened so fast. I don't think anyone knew how to handle it. The guy just left and went somewhere else.

The hurt-to-fuel conversion didn't happen right away.

It stung. I knew it was something I cared about deeply. But it took time to figure out the plan of action.

How do I combat this pain? How do I make this stop?

The answer: Get really good. Build your reputation. Build your confidence. Handle more styles. Build a portfolio so strong that you don't have to take walk-ins anymore. - my thoughts.

There were a lot of feelings in that moment. A lot of things I knew needed to happen for the situation to get better.

I didn't want it to happen again. Because it SUCKED to be judged on my gender.

That was the first time I'd experienced that—being a female looked at as something that wasn't good in the barbershop space.

Here's what made gender irrelevant:

I kept getting better.

I also diversified my clientele. I served everyone. People from the LGBTQ+ community in the area started seeking me out because they knew a lot of barbershops weren't safe spaces at that time. Word spread. My reputation became a signal that this was a place they could feel comfortable.

I knew what it felt like to have that uncomfortable feeling. So I made sure I created safety for other people too.

THE PICKY CLIENTS I USED TO HATE

Picky clients aren't asking for too much—they're just attentive through the entire process.

They're looking at every strand of hair out of place. Holding the mirror. Getting out of the chair. Getting closer. Doing the MOST.

At first, it's frustrating because you just want them to trust you.

But here's what changed my perspective:

The more detailed they were, the easier it was to deliver exactly what they wanted.

And learning to handle picky clients made me better for ALL clients.

Because now I could identify the worst-case detailing scenarios. I could see details I'd never noticed before. I could refine my work in ways I wouldn't have without that pressure.

Picky clients force you to level up.

BALANCING DIFFERENT ENERGIES A DAY

When you're new, you're feeding the algorithm of your barbershop.

You're taking everyone and everything because you're trying to get better.

Kids. Extroverts. Introverts. People who want to talk your ear off. People who don't want to talk at all. People having the worst day of their life. People celebrating. Awkward people. Everything in between.

The waves are UP and DOWN. You're going through a lot.

But as you get more developed in your position, you start to weed out the people who aren't for you. They naturally fall off. And you find your people—the ones who mirror your personality type.

How do I protect myself from absorbing everyone's energy?

Self-awareness.

I check in with myself constantly. What am I feeling? What am I doing? Is what I'm doing reflecting what I want to happen?

Because when people are unloading all their energy on you in the barbershop, it's really easy to hold onto it. You start carrying a bigger burden throughout the day. Sometimes you wonder why you're in such a negative space.

Think about it: When we get our hair done, it's nice to unload and talk about everything bothering us.

But I'm on the other end—getting dumped on all day with everyone's problems and negativity.

You have to learn how to keep it at the door so you don't take it home with you.

Nobody teaches you that. Most people just hold onto it forever.

But you have to dump that energy. You have to know where to place it. Because if not, it weighs very heavy on you.

I used to do guided meditations on how to think of energy as a physical object—how to pack it up and leave it behind subconsciously. Through that process, it really helped me let go and not feed deeper into it.

And books on focusing and becoming more aware of our choices throughout the day—all of it kind of works together.

Here's what always checks me:

If you're not choosing your thoughts, your brain chooses for you.

And naturally, your brain is going to choose the negative route.

Negative thoughts happen to us SO much more frequently than positive ones because auto-pilot usually takes us in negative directions.

Make sure you're not allowing your brain to go on auto-pilot.

You have to be aware enough to choose your thoughts yourself—to curve them the way you want versus letting your negative brain choose for you.

WHEN I STOPPED SEEKING VALIDATION

I used to get stuck.

I'd remember feeling like I was good at things, and then suddenly I wasn't seeing the results I wanted. And I'd be mad at the world.

Why is this person doing that? I'm better. Why are they getting opportunities? I could do it better than them.

At the time, I was seeking approval and praise from people around me to tell me I was good.

I wanted to be seen. I wanted the community to accept me.

It wasn't until I learned to accept myself fully that I stopped searching for answers outside of me.

I started focusing on my goals. What I really wanted to do with my career.

The triggers don't really happen to me as much anymore.

I've gotten better at sorting through thoughts—especially opinions of other people toward me, my work, what I'm doing.

And that's purely because I understand now that everybody's on such a different mission and journey.

It's very easy to be misunderstood by your peers, your friends, your family. That's just the reality of taking a path they didn't take.

Learning to accept differences of opinion and perspective—while still living in the space of knowing everyone's entitled to what they believe is true—takes away a lot of the sting.

We live very different lives. Our perspectives and environments are different. Our situations are different.

So how could anybody fully 100% understand each other?

Yes, we do similar things. But we're all experiencing different things that have shaped how we feel and what we're exposed to.

That difference has made me softer. More open-minded.

Because yeah—we're different types of people with different goals. And that's the truth of it all. We don’t need everyone to understand us. By us being authentic, you will naturally attract the right people into your life.

HOW ALL OF THIS CONNECTS

These small lessons—bad reviews, difficult clients, rejection, picky clients, energy management—they all build mental balance.

I think this is something people notice when they meet me at shows. They see the load I carry online, and they're like: Damn, you're still grounded and humble.

And I'm like: Yeah. How could I not be?

I've experienced so many things. The things I've listed here are just a couple. I feel like I've always been dealing with hard situations my whole life.

And when you go through it, you realize: Problems don't really ever go away. You just get better.

You get better mentally. You get better spiritually. You get better at understanding how to communicate your feelings, your thoughts, how to handle situations.

You learn that bad things don't last forever. They're just for that moment.

But the important part is allowing yourself one more push in that moment of struggle. More steps take you further from the place you were stuck.

Like they say: Bad times don't last.

It's just a matter of personal motivation that you build within yourself. And through that process, you find the discipline and habits that get you from point A to point B.

WHAT I'D TELL A BARBER STRUGGLING WITH THIS RIGHT NOW

Don’t give up at the first 3 years of failing.. the moment will pass the more you do it.

Often, people take one bad experience and throw away the rest of the dream.

That's not how it works.

Things don't happen fast. They LOOK fast online, sure. But in real life, they happen through a series of actions—and honestly, through things going bad and trying again.

It's repetitive steps that get you to a place where you build passion. Where you find it.

Passion isn't something that falls into your lap. It's something you BUILD through dedicated steps toward one thing.

For many of you reading this, that one thing is barbering. The craft. Being able to live life on your own terms. Evolving it into whatever you want it to be.

Mastering the mental game is a forever journey.

It has changed not only how I feel about myself in the barbershop space—but in life. In my relationships with friends, family, loved ones, peers, coworkers.

All of that has improved through balancing and understanding my mental strength. Through not allowing one thing to throw me off. Through seeing the bigger picture.

Through being so focused and aware of every decision, every thought, everything I feel—and knowing what they are.

That comes from self-evaluating in the most critical way—but not in a way that paralyzes me from making a move. In a way that always sees room for improvement.

I've gotten to a place where somebody not liking my haircut doesn't hurt anymore.

I feel at peace. And I can't say I've always felt that way.

But once you get to a good place, you can see past it. You can see past the pain point. You can see past the triggers.

And you see it more like: Okay, we're just in different places. You're saying that because you haven't had the perspective or experience to know that what you're saying isn't true.

Think about people who are against female barbers being in a barbershop (from the client's perspective).

We as barbers know the truth: there are plenty of amazing female barbers out there. But this particular person just hasn't experienced one yet. Maybe they got messed up by one, and now their entire perspective is ruined and they spread that negativity. Not their fault—just their experience.

How am I going to let that impact the way I feel about my work?

I'm not.

THE BOTTOM LINE

The mental challenges behind the chair will break you or build you.

Bad reviews. Impossible clients. Rejection. Energy vampires. Seeking validation.

Every single one of them is an opportunity to get mentally stronger. To build emotional intelligence. To master the internal game.

And when you get better at handling the hard stuff? Everything else gets easier.

Keep going.

What's the hardest mental challenge you're facing right now behind the chair? Hit reply—I read every response.

-Sof!