Why Do We Seek Approval in Our Creative Work?

Do you ever catch yourself seeking approval from others?

As a creative who's been on both sides—from craving attention for my work to receiving it daily—I want to share with you the transformation it has created in my mind.

When we build and create work we're excited about, it's natural that we want to share it with EVERYONE. Tell me this looks awesome and so good. But what is the goal after you receive that one-time validation from the person you really want it from? Your parents or a certain person that you look up?

In the first few years of doing the work over and over again, I received little to no attention on my work other than from the returning clients who would visit back in my chair. Nothing really changed until I decided to share my work online. You quickly learn that you will receive both negative and positive feedback, and if you can't handle that, you might make the excuse to slow down on social media and deem it “useless,” or you were too busy for it. The biggest accounts that we all follow today didn't stop at the second excuse. They instead pushed through the big fog of negativity and got to a decent size account that the little negative comments don’t stand out anymore. I thought becoming a barber would be the thing that really helped me build thicker skin, and the further along my career went, social media seemed to be like the biggest school bully I had to confront.

One of the hardest things we do is face ourselves. Whether we realize it about ourselves, through strangers, or the people closest to us, you ever get those comments directly made to you and your initial response is “What are you talking about?” and you really believe it? I’ve been there as well in different stages of my life.

I used early college and books to look further within. I knew my family hadn’t built enough mental stability in me, and I knew that early on but was afraid to dive deeper until I graduated high school. My self-awareness journey went from dark to light as early adulthood was very experimental while I was navigating this person I was. Was it me or was it the person people wanted me to be?

Seeking outside validation was heavy for me naturally, and I understand where it’s rooted now as an adult: family doesn’t always know how to fill or build confidence within us. I was on this quest to look for people to tell me nice things because it was the only way I could really believe I was “good enough.”

Fast forward to 2019 and beyond, I got some traction in my career to be in publications, win industry awards, and be part of these amazing brands that we all know. What I thought I wanted was loads of comments telling me they love my work and while I enjoyed it for the beginning parts of it, once you get it all the time, it loses its impact and brings you back down to earth. Okay, now that you have it, why doesn’t it still feel awesome? Well, let me tell you. It’s because you are not chasing something that's real or long-lasting. It’s just a dopamine hit.

While those things feel good at first or that’s what you're dying to receive, that’s not the thing that's going to make you feel better about what you’re making or producing. If you are not proud of the work you’ve created, those outside things won’t truly fill up the void inside of you.

The best thing about this process was coming to the realization of what was happening. Through a self-awareness perspective, it was a game-changing tool that helped me identify this and not get lost in the process. STAY GOLD. I got it tattooed on my knuckles around 2019, and the reason was coming out of this phase of pleasing everyone around me. Something very present and something I look at often was that reminder I needed to kick into gear that I have to push away from feeling like I gotta be what people want and tune more into me doing what made me happy and to stay grounded and never lose my way again.

Speaking of which, I’m here at a hair show in Chicago. I was approached by this gentleman, and he mentioned years back we had a conversation about his work life and his personal life being gay and if he should separate it into two accounts on social media. I don’t remember this conversation vividly, but I do remember a time where I too felt the pressure to separate my personal life from my work life. I did for a short time and I realized it was too much to juggle when I couldn’t be myself 100% of the time. I feared that my clients wouldn’t come to me if they knew I was gay, and honestly, I was probably making more stuff up in my head than I intended. He said I had advised him on what I did and that he felt inspired to follow what I did and become more of himself and over a few years, he realized how much more people gravitated towards him in his workspace and that it took a burden off his shoulders. And to be honest, hearing that story just reminded me again… when you don’t try to become what you think the world wants you to be or how to act, and you just be YOU… you also allow people to be more of themselves.

Through this perspective, I remember being in a shop space that was super macho and very straight, and in the shop, there were two of us who were gay. Because we were open and so welcoming to ANYONE who came through, quickly, an area that was so hardcore slowly opened its arms to a giant community of LGBTQ+ who always felt so nervous to step into barbershops or go to straight men were coming to us. I always like to ask how people ended up in my chair. It was word of mouth, my online presence, being a female in a barbershop space, or the fact that I looked gay made people feel comfortable to book with me.

When I think about all the insecurities we all go through and feel whether it’s work-related or not or feeling like we need this outside validation, it’s all a hazy blur in our minds of what’s actually important because the key I’ve learned is this: When you focus on self-improvement and you're putting in work whether that’s mental, physical, or spiritual, you become better FIRST, and when that happens, the world will see you the same way as we see ourselves. We don’t need outside validation; you need to believe in yourself by doing the work you know you need to do. To challenge yourself, to build that grit, that muscle memory of knowing how to tackle things over and over again. You gotta be relentless on self-development. It’s taken me since early college back in 2007-2009 when I started my self-discovery journey to understand myself, to learn how to communicate, to speak, and to feel better about myself. You never really reach an end, but you do get to an awareness level that makes you appreciate the steps you’ve personally taken behind closed doors to get to this point.

I feel really good in this chapter. Because I remember how much it’s taken to get here, and I appreciate never allowing myself to give up on building that self-satisfaction muscle. Once you have it, no one can take it away. You reclaim your power. It limits what other people can make you feel. It limits you feeling bad about saying no. Not to say you become indestructible because we all still have feelings and emotions that not everyone understands, but wow, words hold LESS power and that in itself makes life feel SO MUCH more manageable and feeling like you’ve got this.

Don’t think you need an answer from someone else to tell you you’re that guy or girl. OBVIOUSLY, don’t be ignorant or blind to the truth, but truly seek to understand who you are and why you do what you do. Through this personal chase to be a stronger, more stable version of me is how I’ve gotten to this place of bliss. Not because I’ve built what I’ve built, but because everything I get to do, is a choice I made, is a thought I chose to think about, is an action I set forward that allowed me to do it. I became more present, more mindful, more at peace, and truly feeling like I’m living in alignment, or at least heading more in that direction than ever before, all because of choosing to improve ME.

I feel more empowered to share this today because I haven’t always believe in myself this strongly but one day after another, you can move mountains but only, if YOU WANT TO.

Have a wonderful safe week ahead of you!

SOF!